Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Good effort, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in lager, bitter or stout.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage towns in Essex.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The bins would take themselves out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're number 1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Crimestoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: "Friends, naked".

Jerry Springer and Bianca from 'Eastenders' would be chained to a JCB and pushed off St. Paul's cathedral for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only programme opposite European Football would be European Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a copper gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Policeman: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Policeman: "Nice one. That's 10 quid off."

Taps would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 per cent proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.